Life's a pitch and it's mostly lies...
and an article in Broadcast:
Monkey Tennis
They're about my Monkey Tennis film in which i went undercover and pitched stupid ideas to TV commissioners. Much hilarity ensued etc. Other than that i'm up to a few bits and bobs. I'm giving a Masterclass in How to Be a TV Whore at the Sheffield Doc Fest. I'm also creating a tandem website in which ALL my films will be available for viewing. I'm also giving a talk at this event in Wales in October: http://www.ffilmic.co.uk/talks.htm#lee
As we enter daddy-long-legs season let's take a moment to reflect on the countless autumns daddy-long-legs' have procreated and survived in order to be here now. We wish them all the best as we slide slowly into winter...
*******************************
I'm working on a secret project for the Ediburgh International TV Festival. This has been a beautifully shambolic, yet fun project. Supporting acts for this year's festival include Jeremy Paxman...
www.mgeitf.co.uk
******************************
Coming soon on DVD - The Edgware Walker! As seen on Channel 4.
What they say:
"A fantastic film - both funny and sad - by one of the most exciting new film-makers around today..."
- ROBERT POPPER - producer of Channel Four's Peep Show, author of The Timewaster Letters, and creator of cult BBC comedy "Look Around You"
"...a terrifically natural and fluent style of writing which is wholly his own...not documentaries in the usual sense - they are something unto themselves - zesty, playful and they have heart..."
- LOUIS THEROUX - real, genuine documentary man who makes lovely films...
"One of the best films of tonight's OUTSIDE season..."
- TIME OUT - magazine you can buy in Smiths...
Stay posted for more details and check out the FILM section of this website to find out more...
The Edgware Walker charts the legend of a man famous for walking round North-West London in only his underpants...
*******************
Dear sweet-hearts, the films "My Back Garden" and "The Nyuggle" have been purchased by the new Sundance channel.
Also another one of my films has been "licensed" by the Independent Film Channel which is some American thing.
I am trying to sort out a website where i can just get all my films up but i'm really crap. It takes me half an hour to upload something to MySpace only for it to say,
"Fuck off, your file's too big." If there's anyone out there who's a website genius I beg you to get in touch so as to sort something out. I will reward you with a bag of treasure and a rainbow tied to a string. Thanks.
Rubbish films on Channel 4 at 7.55pm - Monday 16th, Tuesday 17th, Wednesday 18th, Thursday 19th:
Lee Kern's A-Z of...
...God
...Love
...how much of a laugh these times are
...the Monarchy
Recommended film to watch - the one on love. The others aren't so good. If you can get out in the sun you'd be mad not to.
Look out for the best and most miserable film i've ever made, October Mumbling, later this year!
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
So often people go on about how crap and terrible our society has become
that
it's a welcome relief to suddenly find something nice...
...i was out driving today when i noticed some flowers attached
to the railings by a lamp-post....nearly every junction i went
to someone had attached some flowers to a lamp-post....
...how nice and what a sweet thing to do..!
Here are people actually making the effort to make the community a
nice place to live in...trying to brighten the place up and make it
nice for everyone to live in....how nice.......so i guess everything's
not so bad...!
...and next time you're thinking the world is all glum and down....have
a think about those flowers on the railings and how there's some people out
there who are trying to brighten up the place for all us gloom-monkeys!
Flowers on the railings.
All is not bad.
Best,
lee
Become a friend of Twinklebum UK at Myspace!
http://www.myspace.com/twinklebum_uk
(Not real friends, but internet friends).
(It's just as good except it's not as good and we will never ever meet face to face and have a laugh in person).
Become a friend of Twinklebum UK at Myspace!
And Facebook! (which isn't as good): just search "Twinklebum UK"
CURRENT NEWS TYPE STUFF: The secret Christmas Love Section Now up on Site! Click on link above!
Hey - there's some new pictures up on the website. Check them out and let me know what you think. Or not. It's not like I spent ages on them or anything.
****************************************
........ wishing a Shana Tova to all the Jews sitting on shpilkes!
........... and a rocking Ramadan to all my muslim chums!
........ and let's not forget a big "Fuck Off God" to all my atheist friends!
whatever your bullshit, let's all get along and for one magic day unite against the common enemy - the bhuddists...
(they're not even a real religion)
******************************
Twinklebum UK have just bagsied another commission to make a
series
of 3minute Wonders for Channel 4. Twinklebum UK are proud to announce
Steven Kern as the director of, "Lee Kern's A-Z", a series so secretive we can't tell you
about it etc. But this series of films makes a significant departure for Twinklebum UK
as it sees us embark into the world of current affairs. Absolutely ridiculous.
They're letting us broach real subjects that people who have real jobs care about. We are
literally beyond Hollyoaks. We have zoomed beyond the adverts and have now entered the
world of real people. We are literally people who have mortgages. We are the children of
B & Q. We are the soulless middle-aged. Actually that's bullshit. We're the fucking
nuts and Steven is gonna make a brilliant set of films that are brilliant. Genuinely.
Twinklebum UK are excited about these films as they allow for some genuine live-time interaction
with the scum / the proles / the public, and allow for a welcome shift away from the more
dense (visually and wordy) films we've been fucking about with recently. So there you have
it.
Get on with your lives and do something cool. This world wasn't made for the Dean Gaffneys and Janet Street-Porters.
It was made for you.
****************************************
This is how I want to dress for my wedding and at funerals.
I also want to assume that posture at funerals, and shuffle
around as if there's a metal rod in my back and pour mud into
the graves with a spade without changing my posture or extended neck.
I then want to walk off enigmatically - not having been invited to the
stranger's funeral in the first place - just the strange Michael Jackson Man who attends funerals...
*************************************
Sweet Jesus Mary Mother of God. Following in the footsteps of Nirvana, the Smashing Pumpkins
and Beck - Twinklebum UK are doing The Reading Festival. That's right, three minute, half-crap
film, "My Back Garden" is gonna be on at some tent during the Reading and Leeds festival.
You'll have to investigate yourself where and when it's on. I think it's on at 2am somewhere -
so clearly the festival organisers are bang on with my audience. But anyway, I'm rock and roll as fuck,
we all know that, but this is the better more interesting news:
***********************************************
See Twinklebum UK tour Brooklyn this September!
***********************************************
Yes - as part of Rooftop Films summer season of films, Lee Kern, travels
to New York to give a retrospective on his films and a talk on:
"Walt Whitman, Brooklyn-based poets - and how they've influenced my shizzle..."
From Edgware to Hell's Kitchen!
Featuring films from The House of Memory, Tales of the Creepy Crooked, The Edgware Walker
and the world premiere of five-minute, mother-fucking film, "Documentary Blues".
A must see for all yankee based film bastards!
Twinklebum UK do frikkin' Brooklyn!
September 8th
More info here:
http://www.rooftopfilms.com/show_06-shortstwinklebum.html
I am totally looking forward to going to America and getting immersed in "Stoop Culture".
So come down and book your tickets - and we can become actual friends.
You can touch me and feel my pain!
Reading and then Brooklyn! Twinklebum UK's summer/autumn of rock and roll!
TWinklebum UK - 10% as troubled as Pete Doherty and 5% as tortured as Kurt Cobain!
Come - feel the pain!
September 8th
Rub my passion and tickle my angst!
(Stalkers and deadbeats half price)
MISCELLANY OF PREVIOUS CRAP:
Modern Toss is currently on Channel 4, Tuesdays at 11pm.
I did a bit of voice for this along with Mackenzie Crook, Paul Kaye, Doon Mackichan and
Simon Greenal. They were the significant, well-known, wage-extractors. I was the rubbish,
unknown, work-experience kid, providing bits of comedy in exchange for friendly smiles
and a bus fare home. I got the bus fare home. Have a look and see what you think.
Oh sweet Jesus, the con continues. I have tricked people into thinking I am some kind
of actor. I've been performing in a little film that's gonna be on Channel 4 called
"Hallo Panda". In it I play a park ranger who looks after monkies and gorillas and feeds
them melon. I have two lines: "Hello Mark", and, "I reckon I'm gonna get some pussy
tonight." Acting is ridiculous. It's literally just going somewhere and pretending things.
This whole con's going very well. I reckon I only need to do about two more things and I will
be allowed to fuck Kate Moss. That's what happens in show-biz. If I get an interview in a
newspaper I reckon I will definitely be allowed to fuck her. So that's what I got my sights
on next...
For some reason I have been mistaken as some kind of authority on documentary.
You can see the interview here at Channel 4's Four Docs website:
http://www.channel4.com/fourdocs/people/lee_kern.html
During the interview itself, whilst trying to make my points to the lovely Emily,
I was being distracted by someone in the wings behind the light-stand...
Krishna Guru Murphy was trying to make me look at his new trainers the whole
time and ask me if I thought he was "an okay guy".
"For fuck's sake, Krishna", I said, "Will you just chill the fuck out."
"But do you think I'm alright, Lee? Am I an alright guy that you could relate to? Are
my trainers okay?"
"[pissed off now] Yes your trainers are alright...you're a decent guy...everyone loves you...
will you just chill the fuck out?....you're far too fucking in my face...can't you just read
the news and stop trying to be my friend? Emily's trying to do an interview?"
"Okay...but you think i'm like an ordinary bloke? I've got the proper trainers? Just like you and Jon Snow?"
"Yes, Krishna. If we'd gone to school together or something we'd have probably been mates.
Now I'm trying to do a fucking interview. Take your trampy High-Tec and go away..."
It's the last time I do shit for Channel 4. It ain't worth the effort, what with Guru Murphy's panic
attacks and need for affirmation.
Well I’m finally doing it. After months of discussion I am finally becoming a human weebil. I will have my arms and legs amputated and then be moulded into a weebil. I am going to be put in an attic so children will suddenly chance upon me out of nowhere and I will scare the shit out of them. I will be a human weebil from behind some box and an old rocking horse. I will rock back and forth and smile at them and they will cry. It was a real big decision to go for this but after months of unhappiness I have decided this is the only thing that will make me happy. See you upstairs!
MAY 4th, 2006: I stumbled across some moths re-enacting the Battle of Britain. They were in a little wooded glade. Making screeching noises as they re-enacted dog-fights. There were two sides. Flying through this little glade in various formations. Some of them made screeching noises as they crashed to the ground. Some of them were making vroom noises. Rat-a-tat-tat. They looked quite heavenly in the late afternoon sunlight. A golden hue crisping into the wooden glade were I saw two groups of moths re-enacting the Battle of Britain.
MESSAGE FROM TWINKLEBUM UK: I'm gonna be away for a few days, perhaps a week or so. I'm literally
running away to live with some badgers. Things have got on top of me and I
have found a Warren On-line that is advertising itself and let's humans live
"the badger experience" in exchange for some milk and some cream. I am
going for it. I will let you know how it pans out. When I am back I will
get in touch with you and maybe we can meet up. Right now I am packing some
crackers, some roots and some criss-cross/tartan pyjamas. I have been told
this is all I will need.
With the very best that love can muster ,
Lee
*******************
NEWS! NEWS! ...some of my short films will shortly
be up on Channel 4's Four Docs website...these will be free to access
because you are lovely and I can tell you are a special person.
You are special.
(Sometimes you can be a bit wanky, but for the most part you are reasonably special).
I have always stuck by you.
You are lovely.
I love you because you're lovely.
You lovely little fucker.
Picture of an egg:
Other shizzle:
I'm going to be providing some "voice characterization" for a Channel 4 cartoon
series called Modern Toss. This also features the voice talents of Paul Kay (Dennis Pennis),
Doon Machicon who used to do Smack the Pony, and Mackenzie Crook who was in The Office. (But I'm just a young wanker so will probably
just have some rubbish parts that at best might consist of me making a noise or something, just
to humour me and make me feel involved).
Bet you I get sacked for being shit.
As long as I
get a going home bag that involves some stickers or something I won't mind...
OTHER SHIT - I have bought a new car and plan to get involved in a new form of dogging!
Where men go to car parks and cry in their cars, whilst other men watch them through their window!
At first I'm just going to watch - but who knows...!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Here's a picture of the house I want to live in when I am older. In the main bedroom
will live the girl from The Ring who lives down the well. In the second bedroom will be
the woman who makes the horrible noises from the film The Grudge. In the hallway will live the two
girls from The Shining. They will permanantly want to cause me spiritual harm and make me
wake up in terror. The reason why I want to live in this house is cos I want to be permanantly
unhappy and always scared. The TV will also come on at night for no reason and inside
that will be ghosts of people who were murdered in the house and they will all know my name
and tell me that they can hurt me. There will be a mad old lady with white hair in my cupboard.
When I open it she will run out half naked and crazy and try to strangle me. In the Abbey
National survey there will be a box that says "Ghosts" and this will be ticked. There will
be a man who i can see in my bathroom mirror. He will always be there and just quietly watches me
when I brush my teeth. I will go out into the hallway and I will see a glimpse of a petticoat disappear
into my bedroom where I have to go. I will be very unhappy. I will not like my house and I will feel scared.
Please will you come over for a sleepover? We can watch Adventures in Babysitting and ignore the ghosts?
Please tell me you love me and we don't have to be scared...
Lee
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
So often people go on about how crap and terrible our society has become that
it's a welcome relief to suddenly find something nice...
...i was out driving today when i noticed some flowers attached
to the railings by a lamp-post....nearly every junction i went
to someone had attached some flowers to a lamp-post....
...how nice and what a sweet thing to do..!
Here are people actually making the effort to make the community a
nice place to live in...trying to brighten the place up and make it
nice for everyone to live in....how nice.......so i guess everything's
not so bad...!
...and next time you're thinking the world is all glum and down....have
a think about those flowers on the railings and how there's some people out
there who are trying to brighten up the place for all us gloom-monkeys!
Flowers on the railings.
All is not bad.
Best,
lee
Become a friend of Twinklebum UK at Myspace!
http://www.myspace.com/twinklebum_uk(Not real friends, but internet friends).
(It's just as good except it's not as good and we will never ever meet face to face and have a laugh in person).
Become a friend of Twinklebum UK at Myspace!
And Facebook! (which isn't as good): just search "Twinklebum UK"
CURRENT NEWS TYPE STUFF: The secret Christmas Love Section Now up on Site! Click on link above!
Hey - there's some new pictures up on the website. Check them out and let me know what you think. Or not. It's not like I spent ages on them or anything.
****************************************
........ wishing a Shana Tova to all the Jews sitting on shpilkes!
........... and a rocking Ramadan to all my muslim chums!
........ and let's not forget a big "Fuck Off God" to all my atheist friends!
whatever your bullshit, let's all get along and for one magic day unite against the common enemy - the bhuddists...
(they're not even a real religion)
******************************
Twinklebum UK have just bagsied another commission to make a
series
of 3minute Wonders for Channel 4. Twinklebum UK are proud to announce
Steven Kern as the director of, "Lee Kern's A-Z", a series so secretive we can't tell you
about it etc. But this series of films makes a significant departure for Twinklebum UK
as it sees us embark into the world of current affairs. Absolutely ridiculous.
They're letting us broach real subjects that people who have real jobs care about. We are
literally beyond Hollyoaks. We have zoomed beyond the adverts and have now entered the
world of real people. We are literally people who have mortgages. We are the children of
B & Q. We are the soulless middle-aged. Actually that's bullshit. We're the fucking
nuts and Steven is gonna make a brilliant set of films that are brilliant. Genuinely.
Twinklebum UK are excited about these films as they allow for some genuine live-time interaction
with the scum / the proles / the public, and allow for a welcome shift away from the more
dense (visually and wordy) films we've been fucking about with recently. So there you have
it.
Get on with your lives and do something cool. This world wasn't made for the Dean Gaffneys and Janet Street-Porters.
It was made for you.
****************************************
This is how I want to dress for my wedding and at funerals.
I also want to assume that posture at funerals, and shuffle
around as if there's a metal rod in my back and pour mud into
the graves with a spade without changing my posture or extended neck.
I then want to walk off enigmatically - not having been invited to the
stranger's funeral in the first place - just the strange Michael Jackson Man who attends funerals...
*************************************
Sweet Jesus Mary Mother of God. Following in the footsteps of Nirvana, the Smashing Pumpkins
and Beck - Twinklebum UK are doing The Reading Festival. That's right, three minute, half-crap
film, "My Back Garden" is gonna be on at some tent during the Reading and Leeds festival.
You'll have to investigate yourself where and when it's on. I think it's on at 2am somewhere -
so clearly the festival organisers are bang on with my audience. But anyway, I'm rock and roll as fuck,
we all know that, but this is the better more interesting news:
(they're not even a real religion)
***********************************************
See Twinklebum UK tour Brooklyn this September!
***********************************************Yes - as part of Rooftop Films summer season of films, Lee Kern, travels
to New York to give a retrospective on his films and a talk on:
"Walt Whitman, Brooklyn-based poets - and how they've influenced my shizzle..."
From Edgware to Hell's Kitchen!
Featuring films from The House of Memory, Tales of the Creepy Crooked, The Edgware Walker
and the world premiere of five-minute, mother-fucking film, "Documentary Blues".
A must see for all yankee based film bastards!
Twinklebum UK do frikkin' Brooklyn!
September 8th
More info here:
http://www.rooftopfilms.com/show_06-shortstwinklebum.html
I am totally looking forward to going to America and getting immersed in "Stoop Culture".
So come down and book your tickets - and we can become actual friends.
You can touch me and feel my pain!
Reading and then Brooklyn! Twinklebum UK's summer/autumn of rock and roll!
TWinklebum UK - 10% as troubled as Pete Doherty and 5% as tortured as Kurt Cobain!
Come - feel the pain!
September 8th
Rub my passion and tickle my angst!
(Stalkers and deadbeats half price)
MISCELLANY OF PREVIOUS CRAP:
Modern Toss is currently on Channel 4, Tuesdays at 11pm.
I did a bit of voice for this along with Mackenzie Crook, Paul Kaye, Doon Mackichan and
Simon Greenal. They were the significant, well-known, wage-extractors. I was the rubbish,
unknown, work-experience kid, providing bits of comedy in exchange for friendly smiles
and a bus fare home. I got the bus fare home. Have a look and see what you think.
Oh sweet Jesus, the con continues. I have tricked people into thinking I am some kind
of actor. I've been performing in a little film that's gonna be on Channel 4 called
"Hallo Panda". In it I play a park ranger who looks after monkies and gorillas and feeds
them melon. I have two lines: "Hello Mark", and, "I reckon I'm gonna get some pussy
tonight." Acting is ridiculous. It's literally just going somewhere and pretending things.
This whole con's going very well. I reckon I only need to do about two more things and I will
be allowed to fuck Kate Moss. That's what happens in show-biz. If I get an interview in a
newspaper I reckon I will definitely be allowed to fuck her. So that's what I got my sights
on next...
For some reason I have been mistaken as some kind of authority on documentary.
You can see the interview here at Channel 4's Four Docs website:
http://www.channel4.com/fourdocs/people/lee_kern.html
During the interview itself, whilst trying to make my points to the lovely Emily,
I was being distracted by someone in the wings behind the light-stand...
Krishna Guru Murphy was trying to make me look at his new trainers the whole
time and ask me if I thought he was "an okay guy".
"For fuck's sake, Krishna", I said, "Will you just chill the fuck out."
"But do you think I'm alright, Lee? Am I an alright guy that you could relate to? Are
my trainers okay?"
"[pissed off now] Yes your trainers are alright...you're a decent guy...everyone loves you...
will you just chill the fuck out?....you're far too fucking in my face...can't you just read
the news and stop trying to be my friend? Emily's trying to do an interview?"
"Okay...but you think i'm like an ordinary bloke? I've got the proper trainers? Just like you and Jon Snow?"
"Yes, Krishna. If we'd gone to school together or something we'd have probably been mates.
Now I'm trying to do a fucking interview. Take your trampy High-Tec and go away..."
It's the last time I do shit for Channel 4. It ain't worth the effort, what with Guru Murphy's panic
attacks and need for affirmation.
Well I’m finally doing it. After months of discussion I am finally becoming a human weebil. I will have my arms and legs amputated and then be moulded into a weebil. I am going to be put in an attic so children will suddenly chance upon me out of nowhere and I will scare the shit out of them. I will be a human weebil from behind some box and an old rocking horse. I will rock back and forth and smile at them and they will cry. It was a real big decision to go for this but after months of unhappiness I have decided this is the only thing that will make me happy. See you upstairs!
MAY 4th, 2006: I stumbled across some moths re-enacting the Battle of Britain. They were in a little wooded glade. Making screeching noises as they re-enacted dog-fights. There were two sides. Flying through this little glade in various formations. Some of them made screeching noises as they crashed to the ground. Some of them were making vroom noises. Rat-a-tat-tat. They looked quite heavenly in the late afternoon sunlight. A golden hue crisping into the wooden glade were I saw two groups of moths re-enacting the Battle of Britain.
MESSAGE FROM TWINKLEBUM UK: I'm gonna be away for a few days, perhaps a week or so. I'm literally running away to live with some badgers. Things have got on top of me and I have found a Warren On-line that is advertising itself and let's humans live "the badger experience" in exchange for some milk and some cream. I am going for it. I will let you know how it pans out. When I am back I will get in touch with you and maybe we can meet up. Right now I am packing some crackers, some roots and some criss-cross/tartan pyjamas. I have been told this is all I will need.
With the very best that love can muster ,
Lee
*******************
NEWS! NEWS! ...some of my short films will shortly
be up on Channel 4's Four Docs website...these will be free to access
because you are lovely and I can tell you are a special person.
You are special.
(Sometimes you can be a bit wanky, but for the most part you are reasonably special).
I have always stuck by you.
You are lovely.
I love you because you're lovely.
You lovely little fucker.
Picture of an egg:
Other shizzle:
I'm going to be providing some "voice characterization" for a Channel 4 cartoon
series called Modern Toss. This also features the voice talents of Paul Kay (Dennis Pennis),
Doon Machicon who used to do Smack the Pony, and Mackenzie Crook who was in The Office. (But I'm just a young wanker so will probably
just have some rubbish parts that at best might consist of me making a noise or something, just
to humour me and make me feel involved).
Bet you I get sacked for being shit.
As long as I
get a going home bag that involves some stickers or something I won't mind...
OTHER SHIT - I have bought a new car and plan to get involved in a new form of dogging!
Where men go to car parks and cry in their cars, whilst other men watch them through their window!
At first I'm just going to watch - but who knows...!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Here's a picture of the house I want to live in when I am older. In the main bedroom
will live the girl from The Ring who lives down the well. In the second bedroom will be
the woman who makes the horrible noises from the film The Grudge. In the hallway will live the two
girls from The Shining. They will permanantly want to cause me spiritual harm and make me
wake up in terror. The reason why I want to live in this house is cos I want to be permanantly
unhappy and always scared. The TV will also come on at night for no reason and inside
that will be ghosts of people who were murdered in the house and they will all know my name
and tell me that they can hurt me. There will be a mad old lady with white hair in my cupboard.
When I open it she will run out half naked and crazy and try to strangle me. In the Abbey
National survey there will be a box that says "Ghosts" and this will be ticked. There will
be a man who i can see in my bathroom mirror. He will always be there and just quietly watches me
when I brush my teeth. I will go out into the hallway and I will see a glimpse of a petticoat disappear
into my bedroom where I have to go. I will be very unhappy. I will not like my house and I will feel scared.
Please will you come over for a sleepover? We can watch Adventures in Babysitting and ignore the ghosts?
Please tell me you love me and we don't have to be scared...
Lee
OTHER SHIT - I have bought a new car and plan to get involved in a new form of dogging! Where men go to car parks and cry in their cars, whilst other men watch them through their window! At first I'm just going to watch - but who knows...!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Here's a picture of the house I want to live in when I am older. In the main bedroom will live the girl from The Ring who lives down the well. In the second bedroom will be the woman who makes the horrible noises from the film The Grudge. In the hallway will live the two girls from The Shining. They will permanantly want to cause me spiritual harm and make me wake up in terror. The reason why I want to live in this house is cos I want to be permanantly unhappy and always scared. The TV will also come on at night for no reason and inside that will be ghosts of people who were murdered in the house and they will all know my name and tell me that they can hurt me. There will be a mad old lady with white hair in my cupboard. When I open it she will run out half naked and crazy and try to strangle me. In the Abbey National survey there will be a box that says "Ghosts" and this will be ticked. There will be a man who i can see in my bathroom mirror. He will always be there and just quietly watches me when I brush my teeth. I will go out into the hallway and I will see a glimpse of a petticoat disappear into my bedroom where I have to go. I will be very unhappy. I will not like my house and I will feel scared. Please will you come over for a sleepover? We can watch Adventures in Babysitting and ignore the ghosts? Please tell me you love me and we don't have to be scared...
Lee